So I kind of have this "gig" this week watching two 6-month-old babies while their parents are doing a seminar on foreign language learning. It's (theoretically) paying, and at this point, I really only have to watch one kid since the other is sick and fussy and can't be without her parents. It's not a bad deal really, and I like the work. The kid's easy to take care of, and I get meals and breaks, with opportunities to talk with the participants in the seminar (all missionary candidates). They're all great to talk to, but the one issue, if I can really call it that, is that I am the only single person there. At least among the candidates. And I'd even be willing to bet that I'm not the youngest one, either. I bet if everyone found out my real age (I look young for my age, which I'm told is a blessing...) it'd get even more awkward fast.
It's weird. I'm technically in the "not looking/not considering" stage. You know, the "I really don't want to date anyone right now/I'm not ready/I don't feel like I can handle it, etc." stage. Honestly, I'd love to be in a relationship. I'd love to feel taken care of, loved, like I'm worth something, all of that. But I don't want any kind of commitment. Any kind. I'm not even talking marriage here, I'm talking dating. Not because I don't believe in it, or because I don't feel like I can commit, I just don't want anything, or anyone, tying me down anywhere at the moment. I don't want to feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything because I have a certain someone who wants or needs me around. I don't want to feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything because I don't want to leave him behind.
And then...there's the whole "who" issue. Because frankly, right now, there are no men of any romantic importance in my life right now. None. Some of them are guys I've pushed away (as I'm wont to do...) just to see if they'd push harder (they haven't), others are guys who are obviously interested in me (or at least possibly interested, sometimes it's hard to tell) that I have absolutely no interest in. These are guys I've met through the refugee house my brother volunteers at here in Toronto. The first is from El Salvador, who did ask me out...after telling my brother that he wanted to meet me because he saw my pictures on his Facebook. So I went out with him. After the second date, he started kissing me and telling me he wanted to be my boyfriend, and it was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. I told him flat-out no, that I wasn't interested, that I didn't want to, and of course he has to keep pushing me. "Why not?" Good grief. Guys, if you are reading this, if a girl tells you "No", do not insist. If you really are interested, stop insisting, wait, and keep letting her know you're interested without being forceful. There is a fine line between being forceful and doting upon a girl, but you're better off erring on the side of never bringing up dating her unless she's actually responsive to you. Anyway, that was back in November (two weeks after I came up here, seriously), and I hadn't heard or seen much of him until last week. And he starts getting "friendly" again. Talking to me on Facebook, asking me if I want to go out again. Really, my thoughts haven't changed. And honestly? I may consider saying "yes" to another date if he'd actually tell me that he has a kid back in El Salvador (or is it the US?). My brother told me that one, and I am actually a bit offended that he hasn't told me. Trust me, I'll be more pissed off to meet the kid later on (if I were to actually start dating him) than I would be if he'd just tell me now. So he's a no-go.
Then there are the Africans. They're nice enough, but their way of getting a girl makes me far too uncomfortable, even for the shyer, quieter ones. Basically, any time I go over there for dinner or just to hang out with my brother I end up feeling extremely awkward because of the guys over there.
I don't know if it's the fact that my standards are really high and I'm just not interested because I don't see anyone as even coming close to fulfilling them, if I'm just so full of myself that I just think everyone wants to get with me (which I've been told in the past), or if I am relying to much on what's called in Spanish the flechazo, the "arrow", that "spark" when I meet someone. Or if I'm honestly not ready to date anyone. The last guy I had a remote interest in, who I'd be willing to date, I pushed away because I was graduating university. And because the last time we saw each other we had a really awkward conversation that basically left me feeling like I was "below his paygrade" so to speak. I haven't heard from him since July when I found him on Facebook.
So I don't know if I need to walk around wearing a sign that says "Warning: High Maintenance" around or something. I don't want to date someone I don't feel comfortable with while on a few dates, I don't want to compromise values for "a good time" or even companionship. I'd rather be single than settle. Spoken like a single woman I guess, since I've only been in a relationship for 8 months, and even that was pushing it....
Hai. I really feel like I need to comment on this post. Stick to your principles, seriously. Don't settle for less than you look for in a guy and/or a possible relationship. I understand all you wrote here so well and it's honestly relief to see someone else my age who would not accept the advances of just about anyone in order to have a boyfriend.
ResponEliminabtw glad to hear you have a job. :) I used to babysit a lot during high school and Uni and loved the job. Kids are great. :)
I've been single for a very long time (two years to be exact) and during that time there were guys who liked me but I just didn't like them back enough to start dating them. Actually turning down a guy has always been a really awkward experience. Firstly, cause they seem incapable of accepting a 'no' for an answer nicely, and secondly cause I would always get the ''Why don't you give him a chance, you won't be alone anymore'' talk from my friends. Alone beats being in a relationship with someone you don' really like any time in my world. And when I say alone I mean single. Those are two different things too.
I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to be tied down by anyone or commit in any way at the moment. What I don't get is how people generally don't understand that. In my humble opinion, it's a better choice then settling for a half-relationship just for the sake of a relationship, so you would be, idk, socially decent or something. Frankly, people, guys or girls, starting a relationship with someone they don't find that appealing stinks of desperation. I know people are lonely and want affection and attention in their lives and everyone is entitled to make their own mistakes, but you ought to think of yourself first, you ought to look for the best. It's only human to strive for "perfection". You're my age and believe me when I tell you, you're still young enough to have the right to be "picky".
Sorry for the comment rant. This is just a very sensitive topic for me, cause I've lived through years of being considered "less worthy" and weird cause I chose to be single.
The job is really only for the week (though it might extend into next week if the girl who's supposed to be doing it doesn't have her paperwork yet; though they may just ask me to do it anyway haha), but it is definitely nice to have some kind of income, even if it will be a small one. :) I really enjoy the work and I love working with the little kids.
ResponEliminaUgh, exactly. Turning guys down is the worst, most of them just can't take "no" for an answer and get really personal and upfront about it, and it's just like "If I said 'no' before, you're definitely doing a hell of a job trying to get me to not change my mind." Thankfully I don't get the "You should have said yes so you don't stay single" comments, not even from my mom, so I can thankfully say that's not an issue in my case. But I can definitely see how that would be annoying.
Completely agree. I don't know how many times I've come across conversations in university by people talking about how they don't know who they are if they don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or about how they'd rather be with someone than alone, about how they don't think settling is a bad thing... And it just boggles my mind. You'd rather sacrifice personal happiness and self-fulfillment for being with someone...just to be with someone? Really? That makes so much sense, really. :|
It's okay. :) It's a big issue for me too, mostly for cultural reasons (I really hate North Americans' views on dating and relationships).
I get what you say about that work. I've been taught by my parents from a really small age that any job counts, any income counts. The fact that you seem to be liking the job is a major plus and yes, working with small children can be a blessing, though it can also be tiring. But it all pays off when they smile at you or give you a tiny baby hug or fall asleep on you. Precious thingies. :D Hope you do get to keep the job for a little longer. :P
ResponEliminaLol at the part about people from Uni who talk about not knowing who they are without that other someone. Pleeeease. Excuse me French, but that is total bull****. Totally agree with you on that, why would you sacrifice personal happiness and self-fulfillment for being with someone just to be with someone? In my opinion, that speaks volumes of what kind of a person you are. If you don't know how to make yourself happy, why do you think you'll know how to make someone else happy? ugh. :/
Believe me, I think I have an idea why you hate North Americans' views on dating and relationships. I live in a still really conservative country and just, it gets really hard once you're done with school, cause then "you have no reason not to settle down asap". O_o Uhm, okay.