Existential Crisis Time!

 It's been a while, but I figured I'd pop in and share something that's been on my mind for a few days.

I'm tired. More like exhausted, existentially-speaking.

Words cannot express the existential exhaustion coursing through my veins and even sitting down to try to write about it in an attempt to calm my nerves. Try to exorcise these demons that have been plaguing me. While the current existential crisis is recent, ultimately, it's been going on for years, with waves of depression and anxiety.

Here goes nothing.

I'm tired of living in this hellhole of a country.

I'm tired of simply being and serving virtually no purpose in life. 

I was laid off from my job of 4 1/2 years last March, and since then I've been under the assumption that having saved for the 6 years since I moved back in with my parents in 2015 would be enough to keep me afloat and sane and help lead me to bigger and better things. Following my dreams. Living the life I was meant to live.

But instead, I got saddled with the ongoing crippling depression and anxiety that didn't go anywhere (they were hardly recent). I had big dreams. My roommate and I were going to start a travel blog. We were going to monetize it. People were going to be interested in our tips and our info and our stories. I was going to tell our stories, I was going to share our pictures. We were going to sell stock photos on Adobe and Getty.

Reality's a bitch.

Imposter Syndrome? Or Just Failing at Life?

Here's another one for you.

Let's talk about Imposter Syndrome.

Supposedly, I have this.

It's supposed to explain the previous post.

I guess.

So I hear.

Not directly, of course.

But I do hear this.

After all, I'm a woman, I'm a Millenial, and I'm a TCK.  At least, I think I am.  Maybe.  I'll get into that.  If not in this post, then another one.

I mean, Imposter Syndrome is when you feel like you're not good at anything at all when in reality, you are.

I just don't happen to believe that I really am.

Is that meta-Imposter Syndrome?  Or is it just self-deprecation?

Twenty Years On

 It's going to feel weird typing up a 9/11 remembrance post 4-5 days after the 20th anniversary, but it's been a crazy few days and I was traveling for the actual 20th anniversary.  So it's taken me until now to fully form thoughts and think about even saying something about it.

Ten years ago I also posted a little something for the tenth anniversary of the day New York City and the rest of the world stood still, in awe and terror, and here I am again for the twentieth.

Damn, it's really been that long.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday I was a sixteen-year-old, about two weeks off a plane leaving JFK to go to Madrid with a layover in CDG that ended up being four hours delayed because someone on the flight stood up to check her luggage in the overhead bin before the plane had leveled out, knocking herself in the face, and demanding the plane turn around, back to NYC, where she could get treated by a doctor.  The plane was already an hour delayed (we arrived at the terminal when the plane was supposed to have already taken off, so...) so this only added an extra few hours, especially when you consider the plane had to refuel.  So that was fun.  I do somehow remember looking out the window as the plane rounded Manhattan and turned around, seeing the Twin Towers.  Looking back, this doesn't make much sense from a logistical perspective, but honestly, for some reason, I'm still convinced I saw them, and this was before all hell broke loose.

One World Trade Center as seen from Chinatown

Here For the Hope

I took this picture while at the apex of a panic attack.

This isn't something I've shared with a lot of people, but I want to talk about it.

Content Warning: Suicidal Ideations

The Myth of "Following Your Dreams"

 Does anyone else feel like the phrase "Make changes in your life like quitting your job and be happy!" is extremely patronizing, or is that just me?

Sure, Joe Not-Really-a-Millionaire, you did... something... and now you live in Dubai and now you're happy.  Great.

But I just cannot help but think that that's... patronizing.  And simplistic.  And not at all feasible for the vast majority of human beings.  Some of us don't have the option to just quit our job to be happy.  Some of us have jobs and keep our jobs and aren't considering quitting (at least not yet) not because they make us happy but because they make us money.

I know I personally have spent way too much time, as evidenced by some of my posts, struggling financially to be able to feasibly be at a point where we feel comforatble leaving the stability and comfort of a full-time job that pays well enough to live in a decent part of the country, or world, and don't have the ability to feel comfortable leaving that to follow non-existent dreams.

I guess I simply feel so tired of the influencer and live-for-what-makes-you-happy mentality that I cannot simply comprehend this concept.